By Jose Cardona
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| Illustration by Arvelle Whitaker |
In sixth grade a girl whom I considered the most beautiful thing to ever grace a pair of acid wash jeans and door knocker earrings broke up with me--after 3 days. I was devestated, so I did what any 6th grade pre-pubescent kid would do to deal with it. I called her every name I could think of and even started a vicious rumor.
Later on in 8th grade, my girlfriend dumped me ON valentines day at the dance. I was older so I didn't react the same way. This time I punched a kid by the finger foods for grabbing the last deviled egg.
Am I proud of my actions... not by any measure. but I will say this... I felt better.
Men, either by design or faulty wiring, have a basic problem dealing with problems. We have been taught early on that "boys don't cry" and that we need to "man up." I still believe that the only to two reasons that are still socially acceptable for a man to cry are at his father's funeral and if your home team loses the championship at the very last second to a second rate underdog.
A woman with a problem will call friends over. The gaggle arrives with foods that start with the letter C: cookies, cake, chocolate, catfish, collard greens (what... I live in the south). They talk, and 5 hours, 8 boxes of kleenex, and one Terry McMillan dance around the living room moment later, they are ok. They set up a brunch for the next week to follow up and monitor progress and that is the end of that.
Men don't have that. The one thing we are very conscious of is the whole "showing weakness" thing. That's why we don't verbalize our pain, we turn it into physical release. We dive into our work, we go to the gym, we may punch the sandwich artist at subway for skimping on the provolone. Its cathartic. Its what we do. Give us one week, an xbox, some hot pockets, and a six pack of beer and we're usually ok.
Is it healthy? No. Rarely as men do we get the closure we need. And it can eat us up inside. And sometimes we internalize so much that we become self destructive. Drugs and alcohol can take pain away momentarily but more often it can lead us to more problems and that is when we have to have a good support system to get us through those emotional stumbling blocks and into a healthy state of mind. Sometimes something as small as a phone call to let a friend in need know that we are there if needed can be the difference between snapping back into reality and falling irreversibly into the abyss. Jean Varnier said, "Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness."
A few years back a girl whom I thought I may love left me. She packed up her things, got into another man's car and left. Some friends said that maybe I should take my mind off her and go with them to play cards. I told them that I was fine and I would deal with it on my own. I called her that night and left her numerous angry messages. The next morning when I woke up she was still gone.
Men, either by design or faulty wiring, have a basic problem dealing with problems. We have been taught early on that "boys don't cry" and that we need to "man up." I still believe that the only to two reasons that are still socially acceptable for a man to cry are at his father's funeral and if your home team loses the championship at the very last second to a second rate underdog.
A woman with a problem will call friends over. The gaggle arrives with foods that start with the letter C: cookies, cake, chocolate, catfish, collard greens (what... I live in the south). They talk, and 5 hours, 8 boxes of kleenex, and one Terry McMillan dance around the living room moment later, they are ok. They set up a brunch for the next week to follow up and monitor progress and that is the end of that.
Men don't have that. The one thing we are very conscious of is the whole "showing weakness" thing. That's why we don't verbalize our pain, we turn it into physical release. We dive into our work, we go to the gym, we may punch the sandwich artist at subway for skimping on the provolone. Its cathartic. Its what we do. Give us one week, an xbox, some hot pockets, and a six pack of beer and we're usually ok.
Is it healthy? No. Rarely as men do we get the closure we need. And it can eat us up inside. And sometimes we internalize so much that we become self destructive. Drugs and alcohol can take pain away momentarily but more often it can lead us to more problems and that is when we have to have a good support system to get us through those emotional stumbling blocks and into a healthy state of mind. Sometimes something as small as a phone call to let a friend in need know that we are there if needed can be the difference between snapping back into reality and falling irreversibly into the abyss. Jean Varnier said, "Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness."
A few years back a girl whom I thought I may love left me. She packed up her things, got into another man's car and left. Some friends said that maybe I should take my mind off her and go with them to play cards. I told them that I was fine and I would deal with it on my own. I called her that night and left her numerous angry messages. The next morning when I woke up she was still gone.
Was I proud of my actions??? Not by a longshot.... but you know what... I felt better.
~ Jose Cardona
To the Men's Room gentlemen, how do you process heartbreak? To the readers in general, what do you think is the cause of the difference between how men and women deal with emotional pain?
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| Jose Cardona |
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2 comments:
Awesome article Jose Cardona, look forward to reading more from you in The Men's Room.
I think if more men saw each as 'brothers' and less as 'tough guy role models' the only need to express themselves in times of heartbreak/ache would be to hang out with the fellas, as Jamie Foxx so eloquently put it and, "...blow that stuff out" and to move on, having a positive attitude in the next relationship.
Have a great day.
Process heartbreak? Is there such a thing? I don't think you process it at all. I think heartbreak coats your soul and dissolves like asprin when it's ready to. You don't process it- you let it take it's course like the common cold. You do whatever you can to help with the symptoms but never act as if it doesn't exist or try to flush it from your system- I believe you have no control over that. This is just a simple opinion from a simple man- by no means do I feel I have the antidote. I've tried several things in my life and this seems to work best for me. Thanks for sharing your story and reaching out- good therapy for me. peace
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