Can I REALLY Do This?

As I pulled up to the movie theatre that Saturday afternoon a whirlwind of thoughts crossed my mind…

• Why is he doing this to me?
• Is this all my fault?
• What did I do wrong?
• Maybe my parents were right about him…about us!

But the one thought that resounded like a siren was…CAN I REALLY DO THIS?

I made my way to the counter and bought a ticket.  I don’t even remember what movie it was!  All I know is that I had to find out…to see if I could do something as common and mundane as going to the movie by myself without him.  I had spent the last 15 years of my life with my husband by my side…and now I was facing the remainder of it alone.  I sat through the movie…it must have been a comedy because I do remember laughing aloud.  But no matter how funny it was...the thought still remained…CAN I REALLY DO THIS?

I wish someone would have told me just how painful, degrading, and emotionally draining the divorce process can be.  Now that I think about it…I thought that once I made up my mind to do it…everything was going to be fine…the pain would be gone…I would be free!  Little did I know that those vows we took over 11 years ago (you know the ones…till death do us part) would still stand true even after those vows were broken!  How is that? Well, we have 3 young children together…so he will always be in my life…for the rest of my life.  Any relationship that I enter into…he must be brought up…and I am forced to relive the process all over again. CAN I REALLY DO THIS?

The movie ended, and I made my way home.  My babysitter was asleep on the couch with my eldest on her lap.  As I picked my daughter up to put her in her bed, she looked up at me with those huge hazel eyes and said, ”Mommy…I waited up to tell you that no matter what happens, I’m gonna always love you because you are my Mom.” 

I kissed her on her forehead, tucked her under her covers, and ran into the bathroom and cried until I ran outta tears…literally!  That was all the ammo I needed!  The answer to the question that had plagued my thoughts all day….YES…I CAN DO THIS…and not only that…my world is not going to come to an end because my little girl is going to love me just because I’m her mom!

It’s been 2 years since that trip to the movie theater for me, and that feeling of fear and utter hopelessness has all but dissipated from my body.  I have done things that I never imagined I’d be doing right now…met the most amazing people in the world…and I am stronger that I ever have been in my life!  I refuse to live with regret, and have never turned back! 

If you are staring a divorce in the face, I want to encourage you…there is a light at the end of the tunnel! That light is HOPE! You can be whoever you want to be, and do whatever you put your heart into! You are not a failure!  Just take it one day at a time, and you too will find out that YOU CAN DO THIS!

My-Life, have you stared divorce in the face?  How did you keep your life from coming to a screeching halt?  Who or what caused you to realize that all was going to be well, and life would move on successfully?

Dana Sanders is many things to many people…a Mom…a Financial Advisor…a divorcee…but ultimately, she’s a queen!  She writes to get all these emotions she’s bottled up inside off her chest and onto you lovely computer screen.  Enjoy!

The Men's Room: Big Boys Don't Cry



Illustration by Arvelle Whitaker

By Jose Cardona

In sixth grade a girl whom I considered the most beautiful thing to ever grace a pair of acid wash jeans and door knocker earrings broke up with me--after 3 days. I was devestated, so I did what any 6th grade pre-pubescent kid would do to deal with it. I called her every name I could think of and even started a vicious rumor.

Later on in 8th grade, my girlfriend dumped me ON valentines day at the dance. I was older so I didn't react the same way.  This time I punched a kid by the finger foods for grabbing the last deviled egg.

Am I proud of my actions... not by any measure. but I will say this... I felt better.

Men, either by design or faulty wiring, have a basic problem dealing with problems. We have been taught early on that "boys don't cry" and that we need to "man up." I still believe that the only to two reasons that are still socially acceptable for a man to cry are at his father's funeral and if your home team loses the championship at the very last second to a second rate underdog.

A woman with a problem will call friends over. The gaggle arrives with foods that start with the letter C: cookies, cake, chocolate, catfish, collard greens (what... I live in the south). They talk, and 5 hours, 8 boxes of kleenex, and one Terry McMillan dance around the living room moment later, they are ok. They set up a brunch for the next week to follow up and monitor progress and that is the end of that.

Men don't have that. The one thing we are very conscious of is the whole "showing weakness" thing. That's why we don't verbalize our pain, we turn it into physical release. We dive into our work, we go to the gym, we may punch the sandwich artist at subway for skimping on the provolone. Its cathartic. Its what we do. Give us one week, an xbox, some hot pockets, and a six pack of beer and we're usually ok.

Is it healthy? No. Rarely as men do we get the closure we need. And it can eat us up inside. And sometimes we internalize so much that we become self destructive. Drugs and alcohol can take pain away momentarily but more often it can lead us to more problems and that is when we have to have a good support system to get us through those emotional stumbling blocks and into a healthy state of mind. Sometimes something as small as a phone call to let a friend in need know that we are there if needed can be the difference between snapping back into reality and falling irreversibly into the abyss. Jean Varnier said, "Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness."

A few years back a girl whom I thought I may love left me. She packed up her things, got into another man's car and left. Some friends said that maybe I should take my mind off her and go with them to play cards. I told them that I was fine and I would deal with it on my own. I called her that night and left her numerous angry messages. The next morning when I woke up she was still gone.

Was I proud of my actions??? Not by a longshot.... but you know what... I felt better.

~ Jose Cardona

To the Men's Room gentlemen, how do you process heartbreak?  To the readers in general, what do you think is the cause of the difference between how men and women deal with emotional pain?

Jose Cardona

Jose Cardona writes as a means to shut up at least 4 of the 5 voices inside his head.