I Am NOT a Failure!

Disclaimer:  This is a very emotional piece for me.  It is not meant to slander or make my ex husband look bad.  I wrote this piece for three reasons:  1) to vent; 2) to let you in on the facts behind why my marriage failed (please separate the person from their behavior...the behavior is what was reprehensible, not the person himself); and 3) encourage you to never give up on yourself or your dreams.  We cool?  OK then...here goes.

Right now my life is the poster child for what an oxymoron is.

I am Harriet friggin' Hairston! I write for the #1 marriage and parenting online magazine on the web!  Don't believe me?  Check me out here and here.

Yeah...I'm THAT chick.  The one who wrote what she lived and fought against all odds for her marriage.  The one who encouraged others to endure through the tough seasons and know that better days would be on the way.

Harriet Hairston = Oxymoron

Yeah...I'm THAT chick in the middle of legal separation and on my way to divorce.  That's my face right there...the picture of an oxymoron.

*Say cheese!*

And with all my emotions raging over what I have endured over six years, you might as well say that "oxymoron" is nothing but a fancy euphemism for "FAILURE."

Yeah...I'm THAT chick. The one who thought that all I had to do was keep fighting and everything would work out for the best.  The one who erected fictional illusions of the beauty within my marriage, when in actuality, my emotional head was being banged against the wall on a daily basis.  The one who dared anyone to say something bad about my husband.  Right, wrong or indifferent, he was still my husband, and I was RIDE or DIE!

Yeah...I'm THAT chick who gave it all and has nothing to show for it but jacked up credit and a broken heart.  That chick who knows love is not a waste of time, but busied herself throwing the precious pearls of her heart to swine.  That chick who would verbally assault you at the drop of a dime if you ever worked up the nerve to talk bad about my husband.

And in spite of all that, my marriage has failed.  I mean, it failed on epic proprotions.  That 911 calling, please don't take my baby begging, on the street for days trying to get back to my child freezing, can't believe this knee-grow did this to me thinking type of failure.  That post traumatic stress where I do little things now and flash back to the pain I endured type of failure.

How am I supposed to reconcile the mission I adopted with my current circumstances?  My words are the armory troubled marriages run to for strength...yet they did not work for me.

But they came out of the mind God gave me!  I not only wrote them, but I LIVED them!  I lived them so wholeheartedly that when things started going south in my marriage, I asked for a leave of absence to prevent hypocrisy from infiltrating and diluting the power behind the words.

There are only two ways I can look at this.   I can think I am a failure, or I can deal with where I failed and keep pressing towards success.  One digs the roots of its weed like existence within the arid soil of my emotions, threatening to choke the life out of me.  The other buries itself deeper and deeper through the dryness and finds the life giving source of its survival in the water of God's Word.   One stagnates, the other shifts into higher gear.  I choose to feed the latter.

The truth of the matter is:

• Even though I made my fair share of mistakes, I gave my marriage everything I had to give, and that effort was not reciprocated.

• LIFE--like an earthquake--happens between the lines of the fictional illusions we create for ourselves. I'm so grateful God made Himself my foundation. When everything crumbled, He and His truth were still standing strong for me.

• I AM NOT A FAILURE!  Yes, my marriage failed, but the crux of all I've written over the years still holds true.

The only thing that can keep me from moving forward is silence.  Not writing through the pain to the purpose of it will make me a failure.  Acting like it never happened, hiding in the shadows of regret and refusing to heal will render the thought that I am a failure victorious.  But God's purpose for me must win.  God's plan for me must be walked out.

I'll leave you with this thought.  I know the textbook and/or godly answers to all my emotional dilemmas.  However, my feelings tend to sway me away from what I know to be the truth.   I have to make my own choice as to which thought process to place my focus on.

"Two natures beat within my breast.  One is foul, the other blessed.  One I love, the other I hate.  The one I feed will DOMINATE."  ~ Anonmymous

My-Life, have you ever worked really hard at something only to have it blow up in your face and fail?  How did you get beyond the disappointment and hurt?  Did you label yourself a failure?  If so, how did you separate what failed from who you are?