Labor and Delivery

A little over five years ago, I gave birth to a 9 lb. 9 oz. little boy who totally rocked my world.  I held him and wondered where the instruction manual was.  I thought it was connected to the umbilical cord, but they threw it out before I could read it.  I was in pretty decent shape, so I thought I could bounce back quickly.  Outwardly, my weight was going down, my hormones were regulating, and my old clothes were fitting (albeit a little more snugly).

But inside there was a storm raging.  As you can imagine, someone my son's size coming out of a woman with no anesthesia can be traumatizing.  Within days, I was bleeding internally, within weeks, I'd contracted stress induced shingles, and within months, I found that labor and delivery had herniated a disc in my lower back.  The wisdom of the elders simply told me to "Get somewhere and sit down, little girl!"

Labor and delivery was a painful, but beautiful experience.  I find myself in the same ironic circumstances today, only I didn't give birth to a baby...I gave birth to myself.

I just left an emotionally abusive marriage, y'all.  And herein lies the imminent danger.  I'm out of the place where I had no more room to grow.  I'm free from the self-induced prison that withdrew more than it deposited.

Yippee, right?  Certainly not.

I put forth a strong front as a defense mechanism.  My military training made me an expert at camoflauge.  But truthfully, I'm bleeding inside.  My words are infected and colored by the stressors of the heartbreak I endured.  My equilibrium and alignment are off, because pushing away from that emotional abuse happened without anesthesia, and herniated the filter that caused me to operate with tact, compassion and sensitivity.  I need to get somewhere and sit down.

Things are difficult because I'm not accustomed to failure or giving what's important to me EVERYTHING I've got, yet still finding it didn't work.  Sometimes I can sense the liquid steel of bitterness attempting to coat my heart and mind.  I have to force myself to keep moving so it doesn't dry, making me an impenetrable wall.  Love can't survive in an atmosphere like that.

This piece is my anthem to moving forward after labor and delivery.

No more:

• Camoflauging the pain. 
• Fronting like I'm strong.  Beth Moor once said, "God is drawn to weakness.  Proof positive that opposites do attract."  I need God more than I need to act like I'm OK when I'm really not.
• Going through this vicious cycle of being angry at my (ex) husband, then getting angry at myself for not listening to my loved ones when they begged me not to marry him.  I wouldn't have my son had I never gotten married, and he is my greatest focus and investment.
• Trying to fight the imminent danger of bitterness and unforgiveness with my own strength.  It's going to take God, family, friends and focus.

 At the end of the day, I'll never stop being a fighter.  Now, more than ever, my opponent is myself, and I'm determined that the ME God created me to be will win over the broken  person I see today.  The treasure I carry is not in a steel container, but in a broken jar of clay being glued back together by powerful hands...the same hands that created the constellations and planets.  My life is bloody, but unbowed.  I have been struck down, but not destroyed.

My son has grown to be a polite, brilliant, humorous, joyful little boy. Although a series of difficulties threatened my life, I had people watching over me, caring for me, and ensuring I ate properly so I could regain my strength.  As a result, I am alive to witness the miracle he is. 

And I will live to witness the miracle I shall become myself.  I will grow to be greater than the woman I was before I ever got married.   Labor and delivery was rough, and I realize it's crucial for me to remain watched over, cared for, and fed properly if I am to get beyond this unscathed. 

More and more I come face to face with my own vulnerabilities.  I really thought that "S" on my chest stood for "Superwoman."  Some actually thought it meant "Sucka."  LOL God told me it really stands for "Sweet," which is a personality characteristic He has maintained within me since the day of my birth.   That characteristic was what kept me in an abusive marriage for so long.  It is also what keeps me from losing it and going all "Waiting to Exhale" now.

I am learning that the very internal injuries that are threatening me now will create in me the ability to carry the weight of glory that is on the other side of this experience.

My-Life, have you ever been in a place where you felt like you had to give birth to yourself?  What kind of person has the new you become, and how do you ensure your spiritual, emotional and physical health is maintained?