Through the Fire

By Belinda Rhodes

Today I sat and watched my mom as I usually do when I start to have these types of mixed emotions invade my mind.  Fighting the tears has gotten easier over the years, but today was hard, really hard. 

My mom suffered a massive stroke back in June of 2004 that left her disabled and suffering from dementia. 

A year after my mom's stroke, my father was diagnosed with stage IV bladder cancer (June 2005), and the following year my oldest brother passed away from congestive heart failure (July 2006).  My brother was more than a big brother, he was like a sister and friend.  

I still get emotional thinking about the many tragedies that rocked me to the core of my being, and life wasn't done taking me through the fire  just yet.  A year after my brother passed away my father lost his battle with bladder cancer. 

My sister and I made a vow to our father and mother that we would never put our mother in a nursing home, so we split the responsibility of caring for our mother.  My mom lives with me and my family from September to March and then she travels back to Michigan to live with my sister and her family from March to September. 

Sounds like we have it all figured out, and for the most part we do.  However nothing prepared us for the mental strength it takes to deal with a loved one suffering from dementia.  I can say up until last year I was in denial.  Denial that mom just isn't going to get any better. 

I do not like to admit this to people because they always ask me "where is your faith?" Why is my faith questioned because I have accepted it is what it is?  Some days my mom speaks as though nothing is wrong and then just as soon as it comes, it goes.  Some days she does really well eating food by mouth (it always has to be pureed) and just as soon as I think maybe, just maybe she's getting better.....BAM! She's aspirating on her own saliva.  Nothing can prepare you for choosing between quantity vs. quality of life for your loved one NOTHING!! So in order to cope I've learned these few steps:

1. Take one minute at a time. Sometimes things are not always gonna go according to plans.

 

2.  Cry when needed.  As Lyfe would say "Crying is like taking your soul to the laundromat. My soul goes often.

 

3. Ask for help when needed.  Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes.

 

4.  Do not to take any time spent with loved ones for granted because you never know what a new day will bring. 

 

As I prepare for Mom to go to Michigan next month, and the mixed emotions that go along with our arrangement, I'm still grateful.  When it's all said and done I will look back and have no regrets! I'm still here!

 

God brought us through the fire.

 

My-Life, what kinds of fires do you find yourself going through?  How do you tap into a resovoir of strength? What role does God play in your process?

 

 

Belinda is a wife to the love of her life Albert Einstein as she affectionately calls him.  He is the inspiration for her blog because sometimes he really does seem clueless ssshhhh don’t tell him she said so.  She is also a mother to a very interesting clan of young people (Jennifer, Jessica, Ashley & David).  She’s learning to balance it all while being a caregiver to her mom.  You can find her discussing the ups & downs of marriage & family life on her blog http://married2mrclueless.com or email her at married2mr.clueless@gmail.com.